S stands for…

Three things have been happening simultaneously and excessively.

It is a tale of three parts.

S stands for Simone:

My oldest is really into Simone Biles. This is great. I very much support my kids finding role models out there in the world. She wants to be a gymnast, she’s finding library books, she’s researching her on Kiddle. (Pause: Kiddle is a kid safe version of Google)

So what’s the problem, you ask? Because if she is into Simone, we must all be into Simone. This means I am randomly accosted, usually at the entrance to a room, and plied with a Simone Quiz. I don’t know a lot about Simone. I know she is a gymnast, I know she is an Olympian, and I know she is American. I do not know where she was born, what her favorite colors are, her favorite subject in elementary school, or her favorite type of cookie.

This lack of knowledge is SO HORRIFYING to my 8-year old; hence the quizzes.

*answer key* (Spring, TX; purple and yellow; history; and s’mores cookies)

S stands for Scaring:

The two biggest kids are really into hiding around corners and jumping out. It is not possible to scare me. It’s just not a thing. A small child springing out of the dark has been, sadly, part of my life since becoming a mom. They pretty much hand you that new baby with the words, “and you will never be truly relaxed again.”

You know who can be frightened by something springing out in the dark? A 4-year old. She can be very frightened. You know what’s not cool? Doing that to your 4-year old sister who is just out of the bath. Scaring her so badly she screams, bursts into tears, drops her towel, and sprints down the hallway.

I witnessed this, just last night. I rounded on my guilty child, “GREAT. You made a naked 4-year old cry. Feel good about yourself? Is this where you pictured your life at the ripe old age of 8?”

The other day I caught Lexi standing in the kitchen doorway, staring down the dark hall to her bedroom.

Me: Whatcha doing?
Lexi: Just thinkin’.
Me: Oh?
*sigh*
Lexi: Just thinking if I want to walk down there to my room or not. Do you know where the kids are?

Between the two of us, there’s a lot of loitering in doorways.

S stands for Stanley Cup:

I think I became aware of them in March. And I truly thought people were talking about the hockey trophy. Hubs had to enlighten me. Count on him to know social trends better than me.

Whether you are for or against Stanleys is neither here nor there. I can assure you it’s not here. I think they come in beautiful colors, they seem to have limitless volume, and they are ridiculously impractical, especially for a third grader. They spill. They’re heavy. They break. They’re gigantic.

I digress.

She wanted one, I said no. She started saving her money. I bribed a niece to convince her Stanleys are the worst.

Off we went to Target to purchase.

Suddenly, I found myself in a Target aisle staring at a row of insulated cups with straws trying to convince my daughter to buy a Stanley.

What?

Money. She saw the price tag of the Stanley, then saw an off brand cup, decided it didn’t matter what the brand, it just mattered the fit, form, and function.

“I’ll get this one. It’s cheaper. It looks just like it.”

Hubs and I stared wide eyed at each other. What a parenting crisis. All the Stanley scenarios we had envisioned, and this was not among them.

A huddled pow wow.

A. Does she think that is actually a Stanley?

B. Do we let her believe it is?

C. If so, will kids make fun of her for her non-Stanley?

D. If she realizes it’s not a Stanley and doesn’t care what people think, then why is Stanley even a thing?

We went with honesty.

“Do you understand this is NOT a Stanley? You are about to spend all your money on a non-Stanley brand insulated cup? You will have money left but not enough to buy a real Stanley. Your friends will know this is NOT a Stanley. Are we being clear, this is NOT A STANLEY.”

She bought the Reduce Brand Target insulated cup with straw.

It’s possible she actually thought this qualified as a ‘Stanley’. Perhaps she thought that term meant an insulated cup with a straw. We will never know, because the good Lord blessed her with a very strong will and a very sharp tongue.

The bottom line is, she has since decided she needs to buy a real, 40 oz Stanley and thus has been toiling away for minutes* at a time to earn that $45. I KNOW. For a cup that LEAKS.

(*a little clarity: I pay $1 for 10 minutes of work. Some might say $6/hour. But in this house, we have to break it down to the penny because she will go out to weed for 3 minutes and come in to collect her 30 cents.)

(Oh my word, she walked up behind me while I was googling this picture and I got so nervous I slammed the lid shut. She tends to shriek at any Stanley. She’s probably going to tell her teachers about my weird behavior and they’ll think I’m up to NO GOOD.)

It’s due to arrive today. Send help.