Hot Blooded or Cold as Ice?

You might be thinking, given the lengthy absence of posts, that we did not survive icepocalypse. Rest easy! We did. We even returned to school for almost an entire week! Only to be struck by Flu. The Flu. Influenza. Which equals several more days home from school.

My sister sent me this picture.

I responded to her with a conversation my son and I had the other day.

He said, “hey, do numbers go on forever or do they stop at Z?”

Z – as in zed – as in the last letter of the alphabet.

I didn’t even know which direction to correct that so I just said “no.”

I’ve been told I’m kind of mean when I’m sick. This is imposterous. I give all the people all the medicines, I clean all the messes, I share all the beds with all the kids, what do you mean I’m mean? You tell me how you feel when you wake up to an unexpected child poking you saying, “I’m going to throw up,” then it actually comes to fruition within a matter of seconds. Go ahead, tell me. Every time I turn around, another child is coughing into my ear canal. It’s annoying. It just is. Coughing annoys me. Just cough, then be done. Don’t cough every 30 seconds like a metronome. Have a good fit, be a little gross, let’s all move on. And I’m sorry, but if I’ve scanned your forehead 37 times in a day with no fever, I’m allowed to be a little mad when you spontaneously spike 103.2 the morning I think you’re finally returning to school.

My appreciation for nurses has always been very deep. More so after this. Keeping track of who had what medicine, when, and how much, is a terrible game. I finally sat all the kids down and said, “listen. Either you all get medicine, the same type, at the same time. Or nobody gets medicine. Because I can’t handle your preference for chewable Motrin and her preference for liquid Tylenol – but not the red kind just the clear kind – and he will only do liquid Motrin but alas it only comes clear and he would prefer red; and she is at a dosage of 1.5 tablets if they’re the purple ones but your sister gets 12 mL of the orange Tylenol if it’s a day that has an ‘s’ in it… I can’t do it anymore and I’m not taking you all to the ER for liver damage when this is all said and done.”

You’re probably thinking, why didn’t you just make a chart and write it down? Great question, and the next time you’re in this situation, please report back to me on how your chart efforts go – particularly the 2 AM dosage, my favorite one of all.

Kid: My forehead hurts really bad and I think my eyeballs are sweating.
Me: OK. Did you chew or drink your last dose of medicine? Because if you chewed it, we’ve got a 100% chance it was Motrin, but if you drank it, we’re at 50/50 Tylenol v Motrin.
Kid: I think I drank it.
Me: OK. When did you last drink medicine? Was it after Minions, after National Geographic, or after Encanto?
Kid: Definitely after Minions but before Encanto.
Me: Alright. So we’re somewhere in the Nat Geo range which puts us under 8 hours since last dose which means we really need to get this 50/50 right. Let me shine this flashlight on your shirt and see if we spilled any. Ah ha! Pink drops! That’s either cherry or bubblegum, both of which are Tylenol so you are due for Motrin.

It’s really very scientific. But not chartable, not at all.

Further evidence of rampant illness is our Recycles Counter. I don’t know how other people handle recycles, but we have designated counter-space. I’m sure there’s a more efficient method involving bins, under-sink areas, and frequent emptying. But we’re a counter sort of family, due to its informative nature. I walk past this counter roughly 41 times per day, and each passing serves as a gentle reminder of something I need to deal with. For example, I glimpse the counter below and think four things.

1) All I’ve consumed today is a can of chicken noodle soup and a spicy water, that is probably not sustainable.
2) That’s right, the kids used up the milk this morning, I should get more milk.
3) I see five empty gatorades-either there’s a rogue fluorescent gatorade floating around my house or somebody is dehydrated.
4) Detergent, need more. Because I did 9 loads of laundry today. I guess I thought I could launder the virus away. Turns out. You can’t.

You know what they tell you NOT to do when you’re on a septic system? A lot of laundry all at once, after a heavy rain. Apparently it can overwhelm your drain field. Well I tested that theory. I haven’t ventured outside in 7 days but when I do I’ll let you know how it held up.

It’s Friday, so I’m pretty sure we’re better now. At least the kids are. I’ll be scraping together the pieces of my sanity for some time.