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Heard ’round the dinner table

high angle photography of dinner set on table surrounded with padded chairs

J: Did you know turtles breathe through their butts?

(I have yet to fact check this but Hubs immediately classified it as potty talk and shut it down)

*sound of empty cup slammed on table*

L: Ahhh. I love milk. It makes my body scrombler.

Me: What? Scamper?

L: No. Scrombler.

B: What? That’s not a word. Do you mean stronger?

L: I. MEANT. SCROMBLER. *bursts into tears and leaves room*

J: You obviously don’t speak 3 year old, I do, and I knew she was saying stronger.

Me: Well she’s 4.

*lovingly setting steaming dishes of chicken, broccoli, and potatoes on the table*

L: Oh wow Mommy…

Me: I know! Doesn’t it look amaz-

L: You made all the things I hate.

L: Ughhhhh my yips huurt. *slams out of chair to get chapstick*

B: If only Lexi was a chapstick. Then she would never have hurt lips.

B: Where are Juno’s nipples?

Me: In 2 lines down her stomach.

B: Woah. That is too many nipples.

*after a day visiting the local college to watch a men’s basketball game*

J: Does that college have a swim team? Because if it has a swim team I’ll definitely go there. But I still don’t want to do the meets.

B: I’m going there. I’m going there to practice being a police officer who does science. But not like science in a rocket ship, on the moon. Just regular science.

*while talking about a friend who couldn’t come over because her grandfather was sick*

L: Her grandpa is really sick so she can’t come with us.

J: Oh no, he’s in the hospital?

L: No, I didn’t say he was broken. I said he was sick.

J: That’s so sad.

L: Not to me! He’s not my grandpa!

J: You want to know what my real achievement is?

Me: Of course.

J: I shot a basketball. And I missed.

Me: Okay?

J: So I shot it again. And I made it. THREE TIMES. Now that’s achievement.

J: What is ’emotional damage?’

Me: Why?

J: Um. No reason. Just curious. But nevermind.

Me: But where did you hear that term?

J: I don’t know. I forgot, okay? Nevermind.

Me: Well you just lived out the definition. I’ll spend the rest of the night wondering why you’re wondering about emotional damage and now we’ll both be damaged by it.

J: You don’t make any sense.

10 thoughts on “Heard ’round the dinner table”

  1. It would be tempting to say, “Ah yes, cloacal respiration!” But then I remember my kids saying they learned table manners from your family….

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